


Harry Potter and the Unexpected Fan Club

by ebomb12996



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Fic, Drunkenness, Dursleys, Funny, Ministry of Magic, Muggles, Number 4 Privet Drive, Other, angsty Harry, drunk Lupin, new muggle-born, worried Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 15:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5791711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebomb12996/pseuds/ebomb12996
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry goes back to Privet Drive after the Order of the Phoenix and finds that magic can be found in the most mundane of places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Unexpected Fan Club

Mrs. Polkiss bustled around the kitchen getting ready for dinner having normal worries as to whether she would have to go find Piers to get him home. As she was getting ready to set the table, a series of knocks rang out upon the door to Number 8 Oak Street.

“Mia,” Mrs. Polkiss called to her daughter. “Would you please get that dear?”

“Of course Mum!” Mia replied, carefully laying her book down upon the chaise and getting up to answer the door. She opened the door and saw a man of a non-remarkable complexion coupled with mousey brown lank hair. She noticed that he was dressed as if he was not sure of what to wear and all together the effect was quite abnormal.

“Hello, is there a Miss Mia Polkiss home?” He asked, kindly gazing down at Mia.

“Yes…” Mia answered, unsure of what this stranger wanted with her.

“Brilliant!” He exclaimed. “Oh I’m very sorry, my name is Atton Meley and I’m from the Department of Muggle-born Induction at the Ministry of Magic. Do you have time for a chat?”

 

Harry sat at the small table in Number 4 Privet Drive, playing with the meager food allowed by Dudley’s diet on his plate contemplating the hypocrisy of the Wizarding world and checking the clock every so often. How funny he found that the community that had been calling him a liar and baying for his blood but weeks ago now believed that he was the Chosen One—the one to save them all. Fifteen minutes was all he had left. Fifteen minutes until he could drink his troubles away with Moony.

A telephone ring startled him out of his morose thoughts. He looked up to see Uncle Vernon lumber up from his seat to answer it. “Hello?” He politely grumbled into the phone—not happy to have his meal disturbed. “Oh hello Miranda! How are you? Huh? Oh yes. Yes of course, come on over now’s a fine time.” He looked at Aunt Petunia who rolled her eyes at the sheer impropriety of a phone call interrupting her darling Vernon and Diddykin’s dinners. Uncle Vernon put the phone back in the cradle.

“Miranda is coming over to pick Piers. She said that there is a family matter that recently arose.”

Petunia raised her eyebrows over her rapidly brightening eyes with prospect of new gossip. “Really now? Did she tell you what has happened? Oh, no matter…” She trailed off looking devilishly happy at the idea of new gossip. “Dudley, Piers would you please come down here? Mrs. Polkiss will be by soon to pick him up!”  
Harry winced; the words ‘Piers coming downstairs’ peaked his interest. He got up and made as if to get out of the room, but before he could fully make it the door swung open and he heard a girly squeal, oddly reminiscent of Lockhart.

“Merlin’s beard! You’re Harry Potter!”

Harry froze, the unlikely nature of someone recognizing him as the Harry Potter in Surrey gluing him to the floor. He winced once again and attempted to escape before the situation got out of control. “Umm, no. No I’m not. You’ve got me confused with someone else.” With that, he tried once again to leave the room.

He was so close until—“Of course you’re Harry Potter! You’ve only lived here for your whole life!” He heard Mrs. Polkiss state the fatal words.

He turned around once again; a grimace fixed firmly on his face to face this new member of the official ‘Harry Potter fan club’. He wasn’t disappointed in his expectations.

“Mr. Potter,” the wizard started with a fanatical grin upon his face, “can I have your autograph?” He finished; holding out a quill and some parchment that he had fished out of his coat.

“Why on earth would you want his autograph?” Piers butted in. “I mean, everyone knows he’s just a no-good delinquent whose parents were drunks!”

The wizard began to sputter and turn red until he finally exploded. “Harry Potter! A delinquent! Bloody hell, those words do not even belong in a sentence together! Why I ought to—”

“And just who are you to defend me?” Harry cynically asked his fan.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry Mr. Potter. I forgot my manners in the excitement of finally meeting you. My name is Atton Meley and I’m from the Department of Muggle-born Induction at the Ministry of Magic, so you see—” Atton stated, puffing up his chest with importance.

The move reminded Harry of Percy, the no good slimy git. “Oh?” Harry asked, his emerald eyes glittering dangerously. “And where pray tell were you last year when the Ministry was slandering me all because they did not wish to believe that Voldemort was back?” Atton shuddered and tried to defend himself, but Harry cut him off. “When I arrived with the portkey and a dead body, killed by my parents’ betrayer, saying that Voldemort was back,” Harry ignored the shudder, “what does the Ministry do? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Instead of preparing for war and trying to prevent him from gaining power they concentrated their efforts on discrediting Dumbledore and me. And now after proof has been seen you all just expect me to go right on saving you all? You all are a bunch of fucking hypocrites!”

“You saw Sirius Black?!” He gasped.

“Not Sirius Black you IDIOT! Peter Pettigrew, the rat!” Wind began whipping around in the room and the Polkisses jumped back as the door that stood ajar slammed shut.  
Before anyone could react to the display of accidental magic, there was a loud splintering of wood as a hole was pounded into the pristine door of Number 4 Privet Drive. The eight people looked on in shock as an ill-dressed figure fell through the newly formed hole into the entryway.

Harry moved forward. “Moony!” He exclaimed. “Did you start with out me? C’mon I was three freaking minutes late!”

He found himself with an armful of blubbering werewolf. “I thought you were dead with Padfoot.”  
Harry looked around the room sheepishly. “Sorry everyone… You see he’s just taking my godfather’s death a wee bit hard…” He looked pointedly at Atton. “And by hard I mean with hard liquor.” The Ministry wizard had the decency to look ashamed.

“Harry…I thought I lost you again. Cub, don’t leave me. Please don’t fight any more Dementors or Basilisks. Just promise me, cub that you won’t get anymore fangs in your arm…” Moony sobbed.

Mrs. Polkiss looked wide-eyed at Atton. “They have WHAT in the wizarding world?”

Moony begins to hysterically laugh. “Wizarding world? HAH! Try the school.” He turned back to Harry and continued his rant, “just please, no more fighting possessed professors or Basilisks or 100 Dementors or get entered into anymore dangerous tournaments! If I lose you mini-Prongs, I won’t be able to live.”  
Harry stared off into the distance attempting not to listen to Moony’s pleas. All of a sudden, Moony launched his weight off of Harry, causing him to stagger wildly. He slung a heavy arm across Petunia’s shoulder and leaned into her. “Tuney, didn’t you, me and Siri—” He was cut off when Petunia abruptly shoved him off of her. She turned to the Polkiss family.

“So,” she snidely began. “You have a freak in the family too?”

“Hey! Don’t call my baby sister a freak!” Piers cut in, still unsure of what was happening but knowing that he would stand up for his sister no matter what happened.  
Moony decided that he had been quiet enough and began to wobble his way over to Mia. He crouched down so that he was at eye level with her, and she went still. “You’re a muggle-born?” He softly asked.

She nodded. Unsure of what he was going to do next.

Moony spun around and threw his arms up to the ceiling singing, “Muggle-born, muggle-born. Death eater. Death eater kills those Muggle-borns!”

Mrs. Polkiss looked on in shock, but then turned to Harry. “You’re a wizard, Harry?”

He looked at the floor and scuffed his shoes, “Yeah, I am…”

Atton took this moment to try to take control of the situation. “Yes, and he’s not just any old wizard Mrs. Polkiss! Harry here is the Boy-Who-Lived! The Chosen One! The one to save us all from You-Know-Who!”

“For Merlin’s sake! Just call him Voldemort! Or Tom freaking Riddle!” Harry snarled.

Atton looked at him blinking slowly. “Tom Riddle?”

“Shit…” Harry swore under his breath. “Well, since you all seem to know about how I killed a Basilisk in my second year,” he shot a dirty look at Moony. “And that Basilisk was in the Chamber of Secrets where Tom Riddle’s diary was leeching the life of a first year student. Anyways, Tom Marvolo Riddle is his full name, and Voldemort is an anagram of it. Just re-arrange the letters.”

“But, there is no Riddle pure-blood—” Atton began, confused.

“Exactly! The dogma that he preaches makes him a goddamn hypocrite! His mother was a pure-blood, but his father was a muggle.”

Atton stared at Harry in shock. “Are you…Are you sure?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry, but did you say you killed a Basilisk while a student’s life was being leeched out?! And in your second year? Additionally, what exactly is a Basilisk?” Mrs. Polkiss asked, astounded at the antics of the so-called delinquent boy of Little Whinging.

Harry looked down at his feet. Just as he was about to answer—“Of course he did! He’s mini-Prongs! Twas 70 feet too!” Moony cut in, drunkenly swaying. “And not only did that happen but then he made sure Vol-Vol-Voldemorty couldn’t come back! Well not that year anyways…”

The Polkisses looked around at each other firmly entrenched in confusion. Piers decided to speak up first. “So, you’re a bloody hero?”  
Harry nodded his head.

“Then why—”

“Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Because here I could be just Harry Potter, not the boy-with-the-hyphenated-name.”

“Oh…”Piers trailed off.

“This is so cool!” Mia began, “I’m going to know someone at Hogwarts! Can you tell me, what’s with the houses?”

“Erm, well there are four…” Harry looked desperately at Atton who was still trying to find the anagram ‘Voldemort’ in Riddle’s name. He sighed but continued. “So they are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin.”

“But which one are you in?”

“I’m in Gryffindor—the house of the brave. Hufflepuff is for those most loyal, Ravenclaw is the pursuit of knowledge. And Slytherin is those with cunning.”

“Why did your face sour at the last one?”

“No—No reason…” Harry said, not wanting her decision to be tainted as his had been. He figured that Mia would find out soon enough.

“But—” She began, still curious.

“Nothing, all houses are great…” Harry said trying to still be impartial.

Of course Moony had to ruin his lie. “WHAT?! The son of Prongs and LilyPad and Padfoot’s godson is lying about the slimy snakes who’d soon as kill ya as look atcha?”  
Harry’s face went stony. “Moony…” He warned him, giving him a glare.

Thankfully, Mrs. Polkiss decided to make her presence known. “I will ask once more. What exactly is a Basilisk?”

Harry ran his hand through his hair while trying to find an explanation that was the least frightening. “Well… A Basilisk is a snake that erm… can kill with a glance.”

Mrs. Polkiss gave a whimper. “You defeated that? The drunk said it was 70 feet long… How could you defeat that?”

“Well you see, it’s not exactly something that I enjoy talking about so erm yeah. Just know that it’s no longer in the castle…”

Mia, not worried about anything came up to Harry and poked his arm. “So if I have any questions, can I come and ask you?”

Harry looked at her. “Sure…” He awkwardly replied.

Atton, finally having given up finding Lord Voldemort in Tom Marvolo Riddle, came back into the discussion. “This is just brilliant!” He squealed. “Mr. Potter can come along with us when I show you all to Diagon Alley!”

Harry warily looked at him, all hope of not being dragged further into Mia Polkiss’s introduction to the magical world gone. Mia looked up at Harry with hope in her eyes. “Please won’t you come? It’d just be great to have someone who is currently in school to show me around! Please?”

“Fine…” Harry sighed as he gave into the inevitable shopping trip.


End file.
